Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
