if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
