Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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