One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
