can we get nightvision for the apartment?
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
