Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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