I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
