Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
