i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
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