Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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