So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
