I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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