woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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