I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
