how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Randomize