That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
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