So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
