can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
