I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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