I hate your face
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Randomize
