You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
She told me I should be a condom model.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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