I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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