Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
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