i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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