apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
