If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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