Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
