Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
