Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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