Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
