I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize