I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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