It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
