I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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