I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I stole a fireplace last night.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
