My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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