butt sex is not good for yourself don't do it
Thanks?
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
im calling her cock vulture from now on
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
