if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
