shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
you traded sex for a burrito?
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
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