But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
