this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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