I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
