Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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