TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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