Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Too much gin, very little bucket
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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