I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
