the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
