No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
