Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
It was confusing and full of hummus
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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