she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
