you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
