i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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