you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Randomize
