turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Can you repeat that, but with context?
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
