New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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