Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize