Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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