I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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