I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
