New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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