How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
