I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
